i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
