I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
