so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I am one with the molecules
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
