Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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