Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
