drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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