My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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