i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
