You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
