you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
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