Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
