Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
