I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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