I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize