my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
