Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
