I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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