i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
