literally had 100 drinks last night.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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