I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
