so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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