Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
