he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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