I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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