I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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