Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
