see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
