Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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