A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
