If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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