Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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