just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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