I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
