My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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