i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
