uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
