just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
