My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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