I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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