I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
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