someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
