Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
