People in love make me want to vomit
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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