I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
