This is not my ceiling
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
