I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
