it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Less talking, more tequila
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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