I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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