There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
