Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
