I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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