Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
