I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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