I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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