So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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