the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
