my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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