i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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