He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just googled if crying burns calories
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
