seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
