so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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