why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
