She is in my trunk
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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