Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
