I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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