I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
