I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
