I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
