Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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