I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize