i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
